In Joy and Pain

Meet Ruby Jane. Our beautiful 5th girl.  In her honor I will share all the juicy details about how I really feel and what I really believe about having 5 girls.  Please don’t continue reading unless you’re human and have struggled with disappointment at some time in your life.  Or if you’re really nosy.  Then proceed.

DISCONTENT. It’s the problem. The ultimate sin that plagues most of us. It reaches flexibly into all areas and circumstances of our lives. Satan’s arsenal of mass destruction, a cancer of anti-joy infecting our soul. From Eve in the Garden of Eden to our very-real now.

THE STORY OF MY LIFE – I got the same question every time I walked through a public place with all the girls and my pregnant belly. “Is that one a girl too?” or  comments, such as “Please tell me that’s not a girl.”  I would look at my oldest daughters face. A mixture of insult, awkward sadness and the knowledge that it’s ironically funny. But behind all those emotions, a deeper knowledge of how it hurt me to be asked again, and a certainty of how much we loved and welcomed this baby into our lives as the blessing and reward she is. We treasure all our girls, never for a moment wishing them away.

I have 5 girls. I didn’t want all girls. All the questions ran through my mind at one point or another. Silent, sad, pathetic, desperate and heated conversations in my head with God. “Why Lord?” “Really?”  “Is it something I’ve done wrong or said?” “Why does _____ get one and I don’t?” “Just one, please?!” “I promise I’ll raise him to serve and love You”

So, when you are tempted to despair or when you are wrecked with the overwhelming tide, the burgeoning “too much” like these children bring me to daily….how do you deal with it?  When the girls are crying dramatic tears over some ridiculous problem involving what to wear or who hurt their feelings….. There is a tension to it.  I no longer mentally debate whether God is really good or whether He really knows the plans He has for us.

Yet, the flesh and the Spirit still wage war in my soul.

I can listen to the lies, that if I had a boy, or a bigger house, or a healthier body, or a better job, or whatever the lie is… life would be easier…but there are so many lies. So many idols to worship.

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans for a hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

This verse used to be a cliche to me.  Do you believe this? I didn’t. This promise of scripture applies to our lives, not just Jeremiahs. We are always such discontented little creatures, us. Always dissatisfied with that which God gives.  Our hearts “manufacture idols” as Charles Spurgeon once wrote.  But God’s character has never changed. HE is still the good God who gives and takes away. He ordains our days.  He gives life and breath.   Our souls were made to be happy in HIM alone, so that in all situations we could say “Blessed be the Name of the Lord!” Every trial big and small, every loss and heartbreak, is an opportunity to believe that He has planned this day for you and there is a good gift of joy to unwrap in the pain.  That each moment is tied to our present sactification and our future joy.

HOW?

How do we do that when our angry, blinding tears paralyze us in our prayers for what we feel we desparately need?  After I found out my 4th was a girl, I sobbed for days.  I cried every time someone I knew or loved found out they were having a boy. Their good news striking a blow to my scarring, bitter heart.  Sometimes I still have the sting.  How do we get the joy? He gives that longed for joy the minute we stop to thank Him and bless His name.  The joy is in the eucharisteo, or the giving thanks of our gifts to God.  But sometimes five girls or fill in the blank with your gifts-don’t look like gifts.  So He lovingly took me and will continue to take me and you (dear friend if you’re still reading) to a place where I could see that my girls were indeed good, purposeful, sacred gifts.  The place is called…Not having anything else.  Just girls.

Truth stops the bitter cycle of discontent.

WITH TRUTH:

“3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
    the fruit of the womb a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
    are the children[a] of one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
    who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
    when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.[b]

Psalm127:3-5

But is there anything wrong with wanting or having a son? NO!   If I believe Gods word is true, then I can rest in the fact that the children He DOES give me are a reward and blessing.

Really at the end of the day the deal for me is this:

I BELIEVED THE LIE THAT HAVING A SON WOULD MAKE ME TRULY HAPPY.

Believing that your joy is based upon any one earthly necessity and cannot be found in Christ alone is an idol.  I believe a lot of lies, to be honest.  (They are all straight from the pit of hell.) We all do. Praise God for revealing them to me.  I pray He reveals yours to you.

Here is a little analogy…..If you like to quilt and sew you will understand.

I made Ruby a quilt. I kept sewing the pieces together and cutting them WRONG! When we bind our hearts together with sinful beliefs, it’s a MISTAKE! So God, being the masterful “quilter” HE is, takes his loving hand of sanctification to His beloved US, and rips those seams apart. He shows us the idols, and destroys them. He corrects us and remakes us and refashions us and ultimately our thinking. He directs us RIGHT back to TRUTH. The truth is in His Word. HE is Truth. The ripping is painful. It’s painful because our flesh, and what we want more than Christ is dying. But the end result is beautiful.

I know, O LORD, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Psalm119:75

I often ask myself, “What is your biggest problem?”

That you have to die for your sin. Has He taken away your sin and it’s penalty?  The answer is yes. Yes He most wonderfully has!  So all those lies are answered with this one truth.  HE HAS given me a son. His Son died for me.  And for you.  It is finished.  When we behold the fullness of our salvation and the beauty of our Savior, the lies of the happiness this world offers pale in comparison, or they should.  So you need deep, still, solid peaceful joy to happen in your soul? Just ask.

And friends, the truth is ONLY HE CAN MAKE US HAPPY. Truly full of JOY.  So why aren’t we always happy? If we are Christians and we know this with our heads? Because we are in a war. The war between our sinful flesh and our redeemed Spirit. We can wallow in our mistakes and our desires and our lies, leaving that unfinished quilt to die in our basement craft piles, or we can submit ourselves to God who is faithful in our struggle for joy. We can be remade.

Isn’t my newest gift just beautiful? God is good.  Here she is with the quilt I made her.

{Edited by Lori Chally}